Cynical

I don't know what has gotten into me, I'm posting daily on Finals week ....

I’m not alright/I’m broken inside/Broken inside

Sanctus Real came out with a new CD recently and it has been my theme music for the day, I have spent most of the day in a rather poor state of mind, dealing with things that I should have to. I spent 20 minutes basically yelling (typing) at a blank MS word document getting all the junk in my brain out before sitting down and writing my short paper and figuring out what I wanted to say for my long one. I am quickly remembering that writing is a good way for me to work my thoughts out and lets me focus on the tasks at hand.

My brain is a tacticians brain, so when I run into a problem my brain likes to look at all the wrong ways of solving the problem and getting it out of my system so I can make the right choice in a course of action. I have tried to work the wrong choices out through prayer, focus on God, music, but it isn’t until I put it to paper it comes back and haunts me. Think of typing it as writing a draft that you don’t like and then crumple up and add to the pile of paper balls by the trashcan. The rest of the stuff you see up here on the blog.

To day I learned that I am quite broken right now, when dealing with finals and life issues at the same time. Most of the day was trying to calm myself down, and I’m glad that I really didn’t see to many of my friends today or I very likely would have put my foot so far in my mouth it would have gotten stuck in my throat. I was angry with them for reasons that they wouldn’t have known which wouldn’t have helped me explain myself. My problem is that I was only singing the first line of the chorus and missing out on the second

And all I’ve been through/leads me to you/it leads me to you.

So I pull out my guitar having stopped the song in the middle of the chorus, and go sit down playing some minor chord combinations, just feeling like a miserable waste of biomass. Some how I start playing Jars of Clay: The Valley Song:

I will sing of your mercy,
Which leads me through
Valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

Broken again only a slightly different type of broken. I looked back at my day and realized the fractures, the one toward friends and the one toward my God. This was roughly about the same time that I started typing this. Those of you who I was angry with, I’m sorry, I might let you know someday, but with finals looming there will be no added stress. And for the record I do have an evil side, it just normally stays in check.