Fuzzy Logic

I’m finding that life, in general, is fuzzy for me. Not like cute cuddly fuzzy but more like your not sure if the fuzzy has retractable claws and is waiting to maul on you. Not exactly my favorite place to be, but I’m there none-the-less.

Most of it is a … well I don’t want to say wrestling match … but more of a discussion and talking out with God surrounding a variety of issues. The one that seems to be surfacing more often than not is ‘what happens in 5 months?’ That is starting to settle down and take shape but it is only a 3 month thing so the question is morphing into ‘what happens at the start of 2009. Those of you who I have mentioned this too have some idea about what I’ll be doing but for everyone else … I have an internship at Highlands Adventure church in Paso Robles that is almost finalized. For a little background this is a church that is about 2 years old, still classified as a church plan and has over 500 members. This year they had 1500 for Easter and 750 on low/cannonball Sunday (Sunday after Easter). Something up there is being done right and I’m very interested to see what is going on.

The other has been God nurturing me through an emotional and spiritual dry period. I have been pulling out my songs in minor keys, songs of feeling down, songs of trials and turning to God. They aren’t always the most enjoyable to sing, but they always seem to resonate with my mood. For some reason they always come in pairs though. A song that I’m going to sing for the public on Monday (Apr 28) that matches my mood almost verbatim, has been paired by a song that I would like to do as a corporate worship song. Both songs are a little out of my range but I think I can get the ‘mood’ song. The other I would probably drop for worship, but is one of those songs that catches the soul and draws one into worship. We will see … it doesn’t sound good if I’m the only one playing guitar either …

For all of this school seems to always be looming over my head. It is harder with most of my classes starting to shift towards the technical and nitty-gritty and is just hard to sit through. While I’m finding a new appreciation (and definition) for theology, it is still sometimes difficult to wrap my head around ideas.

Through all of this there is light at the end of the tunnel, although it is a little sad. My friend Sophie has taken a call (got a pastoral job) in Texas. There is hope, and while I will be sad to lose a friend in presence, I am exceedingly excited for her.

Came up for a quick breath and now back to school, back when I come back up for some more air.

I Wanna get off the Ride Now

It is the first week of classes and I’m already spent; Physically, Mentally, Emotionally. Classes are, at best, what seem like mundane distractions. It isn’t so much that I don’t like them, but I “don’t have the emotional bandwidth” to deal with them (thanks Starla). About 25% of my iTunes library is off limits for one reason or another, and I repeat the axiom laid out by Jeff Bjork: ‘Enough: Enough is what God gives you.’

I’m not going to go into the full details but I am more broken now than I think I have ever been in my entire life. Questions that have no answers keep me up at night or wake me up every 2 hrs; either that or answers that only provide more questions.

On the good side of things I have never felt more like a prophet than I do now, the irony being that the prophecy would affect me directly. About 2 months ago I got up in front of chapel to reflect about community in front of the Presbyterian community. What was about a 5 min off the top of my head reflection is summed up along the lines of …

This community is a group of people, we are not a structure of chapel or the structure of church, but rather we are a church of broken, stupid, foolish, sinful people (of which I think I lead some of the charge); but in that we have Christ and are commanded to be Christ-like to others. Seminary will chew you up and spit you out faster and more efficiently than the working world. It is only in the friendships and relationships that are developed here that you can survive. It is only in these relationships that you will learn how to be a pastor.

Never have I been so thankful for the friendships that I have here at Seminary. Some that have never experienced strife, others that were forged through conflict, and some that just fell into my lap out of nowhere. While I want to get off the ride, my friends have chosen to get on the ride with me and help me through the hard times.

Thank you.