Traveling with Beer and Turbulence

So I flew out to St. Louis yesterday. Went with my brother to be out for 8 days and we will be celebrating Thanksgiving with my mom’s extended family. All 25 of us will be in one place again and causing no small amount of trouble. However we had to make it out there first.

The adventure began at John Wayne airport at about 4pm, for a 4:50 flight. It is at this point that I would recommend for those flying out of the LA area to look into Burbank, Ontario, or John Wayne (Orange County) for getting out of town. My brother checked a bag, and we were clear of security by 4:10. BO YA!

It was at this juncture that my brother informed me that he is not a huge fan of flying so we hit the bar. My brother surveyed the full bar, and I looked at the Sam Adams on Draft. I informed my brother that I didn’t want a pint, yet one magically appeared along with a tall glass of bud light for him along with a shot of jagermeister. I thanked my brother for being a quality type of gentleman and he replied that I owed him 7.50 for a pint.

We then boarded the plane and began to wonder if my parents were checking bags (they were going to arrive about 20 min after us) and we began discussing the nature of 7.50 for a pint and how one could easily find a quality 6 pack of beer for 7.50.

Me: Man I should just get you a 6-pack of something.

Bro: Nah, I’ll take a case of Natty Ice.

… It should be noted that Natty Ice is widely recognized the least expensive beer on the market running about 50 cents a can if you get a 12 pack.

Me: Really? I’m offering you good beer and your going for quantity over quality?

Bro: Sir, you do not realize the quality beverage that Natty Ice is. You will note that it was not served at the bar because of it’s high quality.

I rolled my eyes at this point.

So we boarded the plane and took our seats and my brother proceeded to scan the Airline shopping magazine in hopes of something that would calm his nerves further. We saw an infant who was dressed in a white star outfit looking somewhat quizzical as to what was going on.

Bro: Oh here it is … the nerve massager … removes unwanted flight stress and anxiety.

Me: How much does it cost.

Bro: … about 300 dollars … it is perfect

Me: Maybe … but think about how much Natty Ice you could get for that, which would also go to cure the aforementioned symptoms.

Bro: (smiling holding back laughter) … that was well done.

Me: I know …

Around this time we were getting ready to taxi out and take off when the captain came on and gave us ‘special’ takeoff instructions.

Captain: Welcome aboard … yada yada yada … if this is your first time flying out of John Wayne airport I wanted to let you know that take off is slightly different. What we are going to do is lock our brakes and rev the engines until they are warm. Let the brakes loose. We will then take a bit of a steeper angle upward till we reach about 1000 ft (1/6 of a mile) and then we will cut our engines down to almost nothing to keep it quiet for all the local residents below us. Then hit the ocean, rev them up bank to the left and go for cruising altitude.

At this point I thought to myself … ‘so … we have to be quiet because the people on the ground built their houses under an airport takeoff route and every person that has to leave from that airport will get the feeling of taking off and then a split second of freefall and gliding over orange county. I realized why my brother was anxious about flying. Doubly so when the ride went up and then the engines cut and I almost waited for the plane to take a nose dive and crash into the ground, it leveled out but … seriously.

It gets better … This is where the turbulence kicked in and I was thankful for my brother’s 7.50.

We then had turbulence from JW all the way to Phoenix where we had a stop to make before continuing onto St. Louis. This prevented the crew from serving wonderful beverages that quell motion sickness. About 3/4 of the way there the captain finds out that there is a 30-40 min line to land in Phoenix and the plane does not have enough fuel to wait to land. So we turn around and land in Ontario, pick up some gas, and then head back to Phoenix. Many of the passengers were wondering if someone could order pizza and Natty Ice for the delay. 20 minutes later we are back in the air with clearance to land, and no pizza or Natty Ice, nor are they able to serve us on board beverages because the turbulence was still in effect. We get to phoenix and by this point people have been displaced and a crack team of overworked and underpaid individuals are trying to figure out how to get everyone where they want to go and not lose money in the process … on the Monday before Turkey Day. If they had asked row 22 the two gentlemen there would have mentioned that pizza and Natty Ice would have calmed many problem individuals.

One such individual who was flying to Omaha was to stay on the plane, be put up in a hotel in St. Louis and fly out in the morning. This individual decided to work the system and made an effort to get a flight voucher. He returned empty handed. Not even wine from a box.

Bro: You will notice that he did not even bother to ask for Natty Ice as this establishment is not high enough caliber for their product.

So now it is 9:21 PST, 11:21 CST and we are probably somewhere over a farmland state. My brother will soon have a distant second to his desired Natty Ice, and I will have some water to wash down the Ritz snacks that were served. We are ‘due’ to land in about an hour in what will probably be sub-freezing temperatures. And while I am wearing jeans, socks, shoes, and have a winter coat in the overhead … part of me wishes I was in shorts and sandals … just on principle.