6 Months After Seminary

So I have been graduated since January, still had to work on my Presbyterian ordination process, working in the mean time and still figuring out life in general. The whole church thing is really slow and filled with more hurdles than a marathon with hurdles. I’m still only beginning to come out of the cloud from the explosion that blew my brain to bits as I went through seminary. I’m still picking up some of the pieces. Here is what I know so far…

Seminary can take it apart but doesn’t know how to put it back together: Seriously. I’m still trying to reconstruct a complete understanding of my theology. I have a statement of faith that is getting nitpicked on the ‘conjunctions’ level (What is the difference between ‘with’ and ‘within’ in the context of a sentence.) You would think they would want to put that stuff back together before they sent us out to be pastors and actually engage with people, novel concept. Now that I’m sitting on the outside I’m realizing that I am NOT ready to be a pastor. My friend Sarah basically said that the degree of Master of Divinity is an oxymoron. Some of me is worried and wants to be an associate of some larger church, but in all honesty I’m not sure I’m supposed to be that guy. The more I understand my call, it is a call to youth ministry. I just wish I had someone help me out with that.

There is no time to think: Between finals, midterms, papers, reading, lectures, money, food, laundry, bills, parents, going crazy, coming back from crazy, going back to crazy because you forgot something there, getting lost in crazy, … you get the point … there is no space or time to actually think for yourself. Some of this goes up to point 1, but still what free time I had I spent in the space of napping and recovering sleep that was lost due to school work. The last thing anyone wants to really do is talk about class outside of class either. Some people do, but I think they are a bit wrong in the head. I can understand some discussion but I don’t want to be in a place of just living in the realm of theological thinking. I would like to think I have some humanity in me still.

The Academy needs more Teachers: NOT scholars. Looking at most of our scholarship we have done such a good job of writing down everything we do and we no longer have to think for ourselves. I might be guilty of this but I don’t care about the Greek and Hebrew because I have commentaries, computer software, and other tools that allow me to just slack off on that stuff. On some level I think that there are some very brilliant minds who have no idea how to communicate that information. I relate much better with professors who have been pastors, or who have a pastoral like nature.

Somehow we have gotten it backwards: A friend of mine once told me about the praise band he was in “We don’t have our own sound we just copy everyone else’s note for note.” I understood him and about 4 months later I realized that it ran deeper. There was a point in time when there was no internet and while we had a hymnal the only way new music would come into being was if someone from the church wrote it. Go a little bit bigger picture and we have churches who write libraries on how to build, nurture, and manage a church. I’m kinda in the nay say-er category with the idea that you can’t just plug and play someone else’s game plan. So we learn about things and then are told to go do them and when they don’t work (and most of the time they won’t) we throw up our hands and wonder what went wrong. We have lost our ability to listen to God for his guidance and direction in navigating the church. Some churches do and they HEAR from God that their ministry will be small, and yet they embrace it.

I had a good friend who is a very gifted believer, could have been a pastor if God had called him to it, who was offered a job as a part time pastor in a small church of under 50. The pastor only made 30k living in a town where that was probably below poverty line. The church couldn’t pay my friend, and the pastor offered him 10k OUT OF HIS OWN SALARY to have my friend on staff. My friend prayed and couldn’t take the job but found in that moment a sense of what God’s purpose was for people. I still love that story because I’m not sure I could do it. Drop 1/3 of my salary to someone who is gifted in pastoral ministry to allow them to be on staff of the church

I wish we could change our culture to that of the Acts church. Where everyone gave so that no one would suffer. I’m in a time in my life where I’m accepting and looking for handouts till I get back on my feet. It sucks and I don’t always like to be in that spot, I do like to give away what I have. Is it a bad thing if that I want to own two houses for the sole purpose of letting seminary students have housing on a seminary budget? Is it odd that I wonder why the church in Africa will pay for their pastors in full, and America will just let us graduate with piles of debt?

I find that the fringes of my theology shift depending on what my life situation is. This is probably obvious to most people who know me, but it is new to me.

Happiness is …

001: playing guitar
002: watching a sunset
003: a nap
004: a text message from her
005: laughter
006: making others smile
007: good food
008: good company
009: a good sci-fi novel
010: a good sci-fi movie
011: holding her hand
012: a day where nothing is the only plan
013: teppanyaki dinner
014: seeing someone understand … light bulb included
015: J-Mo getting the best of me in verbal sparring
016: silence
017: serving
018: the comfort that I don’t have to know everything
019: seeing high school kids grow to be adults
020: listening to Victor Wooten
021: choices
022: being a nerd and/or geek
023: the fact that she likes my nerd and/or geek moments
024: playing Presidents with the cousins
025: Laura’s lessons on tea
026: a devotional series entitled: ‘I am like the Pharisees’
027: watching people get lost in worship
028: reflecting on the journey behind
029: being on the verge of being able to support myself
030: getting older
031: getting wiser
032: getting ‘wise crack’ier
033: traveling the journey ahead
034: Katie’s friendship and honesty
035: a spuderito
036: being comfortable enough to have and carry around a teddy bear
037: leaving Santa Barbara knowing I will see her soon
038: Barry's openness to discuss
039: a jam session with all the time in the world
040: having no great achievements
041: Settlers of Catan
042: the question of ‘Life, the Universe, everything!’
043: ‘The Princess Bride’
044: the smell of BBQ
045: sushi
046: playing bass guitar
047: Mercer’s theological discussions
048: midnight movie showings
049: knowing that she runs to the door when I knock
050: my brother with a beer in hand
051: soccer
052: Sophie’s facial responses to all things
053: inside jokes
054: good wine shared among friends
055: failing when I know I have tried my best
056: teaching Scripture
057: Peet’s Scottish Breakfast Tea
058: Yard House happy hour
059: holding her in my arms
060: Sarah’s imparting of wisdom and kindness
061: being broken knowing that healing is coming
062: a foot of freshly dropped powder
063: the men of AGO
064: my Mom resting
065: relaxing in a hot tub
066: falling for someone
067: having them fall for you
068: reminders from God regarding his creation
069: a thought-provoking book
070: Carrie’s music
071: being able to not sweat the small stuff
072: being able to realize that all stuff is small
073: a couch for the couch nomad
074: understanding how much God loves me through my relationship with her
075: waiting on God
076: ‘The Emperor’s New Groove’
077: Becca’s parties and pranks
078: homemade cookies
079: all you can eat pizza
080: a wooden cross that reminds me who I am
081: a bracelet that reminds me what I am called to do
082: a Barry Taylor class
083: The Chronicles of Narnia
084: The Lord of the Rings
085: my Dad on a surfboard
086: Noah’s Bagels
087: Lake Tahoe
088: praying with her
089: my birthday cake
090: chasing a frisbee
091: bidding and making slam
092: Farmers market
093: living so simply that it all fits in my car
094: being comfortable with the fact that the divine is not weird
095: Arroyo Grande strawberries
096: Libby’s opinion
097: Star Wars Original Trilogy (IV,V,VI)
098: being in Pasadena
099: having it but knowing how not to use it
100: 100 posts on way to 200

Gaining Ground, or Maybe Just Securing It

So aside from the new Jars of Clay album that sounds like something that I just can’t put my finger on (feels like a little Mae with something else …), life has been good. I’ve been kinda traveling more than I care to admit and looking for work that seems really elusive. I’ve had many random ideas that have been buried in the need to find work. What is worse is that I have 2 unfinished blogs on my desktop that I remember what I was talking about but don’t feel like exploring them anymore. One was basically ‘fighting the man’ … cause that is what most Presbyterian graduates deal with. The other was on music and how it isn’t about skill but the soul of the musician. I might come back to the second another day (ya know … cause this is kinda a musically based blog)

I find that job hunting is a very weird place to be. It is like being on the verge of being able to claw my way out of a hole that I got dropped into after I graduated. I wish I could say that I have used this time to have some time to read some fun stuff, but … I haven’t to be honest I’m rereading a music book that is so beautifully written it takes a while to process each chapter.

On top of that I picked up a very challenging devotional book that is challenging me in ways that are on the order of the question: “If everything the Bible said was true, how would you change your actions?” One of those deep brow beating books. It is set up for a passage a day, but I’m working on 2 a day.

After that there is just this thing that I have been enjoying for 5 months and could not be a happier person. I think most of my blog energy has been reapportioned to this situation. So you all get the short stick … sorry … but I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

So this seems like a weak blog … but that’s all I got.

... Hun ... next blog is #100 ... might have to do something awesome with it.

The iTunes Hymnal

This is something that I picked up from a friend of mine. I have a playlist in iTunes that is called Hymnal. This is a collection of songs that mark less than 0.5% of the songs in iTunes. (62/2987) They are not specific albums but are rather songs that have the ability to modify my mood in such a way that I cannot resist the change. They are songs that can bring me to tears without effort or fail. They are songs that can calm my angry spirit into a place of worship. Songs that I will sing in my car at the top of … whatever lung capacity I have. They are not songs that you would expect. They are not the stereotypical hymns and praise songs that one finds in Sunday service.

They are songs that are to be cried out from the pit of one’s soul.
They are songs that have understanding that transcends religion and culture.
They are songs that ask questions that have no answers.
They are songs that would not preach from the pulpit
They are songs that question so hard that it hurts
They are songs that express theological ideals that you cannot find in a textbook
They are songs that dance with both light and darkness as a golden fiddle is played.
They are songs to weep to
… to dance in joy
… to fall to your knees
… to sing with all that is within

These are the songs that drive me to embrace music. Understand very clearly … to embrace music.

Not to lead worship with my guitar, not to play bass and appear happy, not to sing my heart out. If I’m leading music for the sake of the congregation I may as well have not shown up. It is about the target and the purpose. It is about the music that comes from the soul and is translated through an instrument (voice = instrument too).

Someone once mentioned to me that there are two types of musicians: The first needs good equipment to sound good, the other makes whatever they play sound good. I have always strived to be the second; not looking for Taylor or Martin guitars, but making the guitar I have sing and proclaim the cries of my soul to a savior that have no words that can be typed here. If this doesn’t make sense the most concise statement to describe what I am talking about is this: I speak in tongues using a guitar rather than words.

Yea that is kinda a bold statement, but it make sense to me, and might help you understand what I’m trying to say here.

Lost in the Mix

So … I have come out of the catacombs with Ords, and working on some things for this coming weekend with my birthday. For some reason I do lots of thinking when under stress … most of the time not directed the thing I need to be working on. While I was working on my Exegesis paper I had a bunch of random thoughts that went through my head and I put into another word doc to think about later. I thought I would share some of them with you.

--- What is the theology of the end for a NCD, as that may provide the end target/result.
This came out of one of my systematics class. Where theology is not built from creation and then move linear through time, but rather you start with the end and work backwards. I think what interests me here is that there is acceptance of a final goal, and what that looks like. Some of this I think extends to any ministry that I would get into. I think what I take away from this is that if I know what I want a ministry I am given to look like is that I won’t build programming or sub-structures that isn’t part of that view.

--- The First Jars album spawned the growth of guitar playing Christians who wanted to be that cool … discuss
Ok … music helps me work through stuff and got some stuff, but I keep going back to that first almost ‘unplugged’ album. There is something about that album that just … dwells … in someone. Maybe it is some of the songs, or maybe some specific songs, but they sit with people and are not always ‘difficult’ songs to play, and can be done with very basic skills. (shush don’t tell anyone else they are easy to play)

--- Why is it that the questions asked are not of the pastoral nature, but more academic?
This was in reference to the exegesis questions that I was answering. Paired with this question was a statement of ‘The sermon I feel God calling me to preach from this text have nothing to do with the issues raised in the questions.’ Along with a statement of ‘Can you give me a bibliography of the works used for seeking the questions asked?’

A little frustrated? … Only about as sarcastic as my response of … ‘Are you Sherlock Holmes?’

I think more the issue is that the work is done with such a hypothetical situation that it is almost a waste of time. Part of me wanted to fill out another review sheet after taking the Exegesis exam and basically go: ‘WTH!’ That probably would have been without clarity of thought, but I have been known for that and been right up until the point I realized I was wrong. Still … I have no framework for a congregation, sure ‘make up your own’ would be an interesting and if it wasn’t for the fact that I am graded on this I would probably put down: ‘My church is a congregation of mindless drones who do what I say and have no idea how to transmit academic understanding to action in the world.’ So I had fun taking a shot at Tony Campollo (who I’m still not a fan of to this day, but he doesn’t care), and raising the question of the phrase ‘do not let the sun go down on your anger’ in the context of the Artic and Antarctic.

--- QFT: “Of the three characteristics that Ephesians says should mark Christians, unity, maturity, and morality, the third is the most overt and easy to distinguish. A major breach of unity is, of course, visible when it eventuates in a church split, but underlying attitudes between Christians are less easy to observe. Maturity by its nature is gradual; neither maturity nor immaturity is always apparent. Immorality, on the other hand is often glaring, especially when expressed in gross acts and sadly, when committed by those in leadership.” (Liefeld 111. Italics mine)

(QFT = Quoted for Truth, geek thing … deal)
Two things here. One: Church unity or disunity is easier to see than Liefeld gives churches credit for. I’m sure there is a correlation between unity and the different between the apparent age minus the actual age of the Sr. pastor. Two: Everyone loves a good scandal. The reason it is so glaring is that people want to know more, like flies in a compost pile. I wish it wasn’t so, but people don’t let go of stuff easily either. I think more than anything we have forgotten what forgiveness really means (and yes I realize that I might be a hypocrite just by writing this blog with that statement in it, let me blow off some steam in ignorance).

Ok … I’m done … I feel better now. I know I sometimes throw a barrage of ideas out here, and I think sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one thinking some of this stuff. As a final word for this addition of Minstrel rants: What is the rhetorical shape of this post?

I’m sure this is a bad idea…

So we were watching Wanted last night and my grandparents were wondering if Wanted was based off a book or something. I said that I thought it was based upon a comic book (wikipeda says yes, although losely). Earlier in the week we watched Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, which is about 40% invented storyline, with the other 60% being a spot on for the main characters. Which got me to thinking …

Are there any movie adaptations that don’t mess up the storyline completely? The closest I have come to is the extended version of Fellowship of the ring, and Two Towers (with some minor issues). I don’t include Return of the King cause they should have done the ending as it was, not playing tribute to Styx and “Come Sail Away.” Aside from that they did a good job with what they had to work with and they probably needed 6 movies to do a proper adaptation. The Harry Potter movies are in trouble cause they are going to have to do flashbacks in the last two movies to get everything they need, and still they are going to come up short. All this to say … I had a bad idea for a comparison …

Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice vs TBS 5 hr Pride and Prejudice

Now … Before you call me crazy … I have seen the TV series before in 12th grade and actually managed to not gnaw my arm off to get out of my handcuffs. And on some level I did enjoy it, then again I did have a buddy and we spent time making jokes. So here I am with time to kill, the DVD version in my parents collection (a mother’s day gift that is still wrapped from a few years ago), someone to watch it with, and all I need is to give up a piece of my manhood and go pay for a copy of the book … in public …with my own money.

And then read it.

Now most of my female friends managed to read it, they didn’t comment after that. Some swoon at the very mention of “Mr. Darcy” (SWOON! … err wait a minute). Others have expressed a deep seeded sense of existential dread only 20 pages in and had to put it down as if it were filled with cooties and then wash off the effect with some other reading to get the filth off.

If I don’t come back … tell my parents I love them, and not to come looking for me, because my mental state will have reduced me to a person who does not recognize them.

Ok I have a breathing moment.

So I don’t have any more jokes from my Thanksgiving trip nor do I have much to update about in terms of where I have been, that is still classified from the blogging world. (Although I think 4 out of the 5 people that read this blog know exactly what I’m talking about.) Anywho … I got back from MO with a fun sense of goofball energy about me and put it to good use, spent a week in Pasadena working on my directed reading and seeing what friends I could in their mental state of panic. I even got to see J-Mo on a sudden phone call (made by day … w/out the added syllable). But I am feeling that graduated feel even though I need to write one more paper and turn it in, more about that on another post.

So while I was back in Pasadena I swung to a few of my regular visit spots and hung out with my usual friends. I got to see my pastor buddies and again share breakfast with them. That trip was very affirming in processing through some things. There was a place of peace and feeling like … although I was venting … that I was doing from an objective standpoint, and that I’m not crazy, well maybe not crazy enough to throw into a crazy house.

Spent some time at my old church internship as they were having their annual Bethlehem
Village where there are all sorts of cool random fun things to do, and Baby Jesus gets born every 30 min. It was cool to see the whole church come together for an event that is as involved as it is. There are probably over 100 volunteers over the two days, and almost everyone from the church attends in some fashion. Was much fun.

After that I have been in Santa Barbara for the most part basically helping my mom do home repair on our ‘new’ house. Everything from mopping, fixing, installing film on my bathroom window (which goes right into the shower), and waiting for any number of other people to show up and fix something. Most of that has passed, but there are still things to fix.

Either way I’m getting as settled as I can before I spend 10 days on the couch, yielding my bed to my grandparents. More stuff to come soon enough.

Of Cousins and Star Wars

So ... my mom was telling the following story ...

'So the boys (aka my little cousins) were in town and just wanted to play with the other kids in the neighborhood. So they met them and they decided to play star wars ... and went in and got their full costumes with robes and light sabers and everything. The kids around the neighborhood saw this and said "HOLD ON!" So they all ran and got their robes and light sabers and they had a fight and they even had a Jedi Council ..."

At which point I turn to my brother and said ... 'So a group of hyper kids sat down and had a political discussion?'

In his best Mace Windu: 'We will bring candy to the republic.'

I died laughing.

Traveling with Beer and Turbulence

So I flew out to St. Louis yesterday. Went with my brother to be out for 8 days and we will be celebrating Thanksgiving with my mom’s extended family. All 25 of us will be in one place again and causing no small amount of trouble. However we had to make it out there first.

The adventure began at John Wayne airport at about 4pm, for a 4:50 flight. It is at this point that I would recommend for those flying out of the LA area to look into Burbank, Ontario, or John Wayne (Orange County) for getting out of town. My brother checked a bag, and we were clear of security by 4:10. BO YA!

It was at this juncture that my brother informed me that he is not a huge fan of flying so we hit the bar. My brother surveyed the full bar, and I looked at the Sam Adams on Draft. I informed my brother that I didn’t want a pint, yet one magically appeared along with a tall glass of bud light for him along with a shot of jagermeister. I thanked my brother for being a quality type of gentleman and he replied that I owed him 7.50 for a pint.

We then boarded the plane and began to wonder if my parents were checking bags (they were going to arrive about 20 min after us) and we began discussing the nature of 7.50 for a pint and how one could easily find a quality 6 pack of beer for 7.50.

Me: Man I should just get you a 6-pack of something.

Bro: Nah, I’ll take a case of Natty Ice.

… It should be noted that Natty Ice is widely recognized the least expensive beer on the market running about 50 cents a can if you get a 12 pack.

Me: Really? I’m offering you good beer and your going for quantity over quality?

Bro: Sir, you do not realize the quality beverage that Natty Ice is. You will note that it was not served at the bar because of it’s high quality.

I rolled my eyes at this point.

So we boarded the plane and took our seats and my brother proceeded to scan the Airline shopping magazine in hopes of something that would calm his nerves further. We saw an infant who was dressed in a white star outfit looking somewhat quizzical as to what was going on.

Bro: Oh here it is … the nerve massager … removes unwanted flight stress and anxiety.

Me: How much does it cost.

Bro: … about 300 dollars … it is perfect

Me: Maybe … but think about how much Natty Ice you could get for that, which would also go to cure the aforementioned symptoms.

Bro: (smiling holding back laughter) … that was well done.

Me: I know …

Around this time we were getting ready to taxi out and take off when the captain came on and gave us ‘special’ takeoff instructions.

Captain: Welcome aboard … yada yada yada … if this is your first time flying out of John Wayne airport I wanted to let you know that take off is slightly different. What we are going to do is lock our brakes and rev the engines until they are warm. Let the brakes loose. We will then take a bit of a steeper angle upward till we reach about 1000 ft (1/6 of a mile) and then we will cut our engines down to almost nothing to keep it quiet for all the local residents below us. Then hit the ocean, rev them up bank to the left and go for cruising altitude.

At this point I thought to myself … ‘so … we have to be quiet because the people on the ground built their houses under an airport takeoff route and every person that has to leave from that airport will get the feeling of taking off and then a split second of freefall and gliding over orange county. I realized why my brother was anxious about flying. Doubly so when the ride went up and then the engines cut and I almost waited for the plane to take a nose dive and crash into the ground, it leveled out but … seriously.

It gets better … This is where the turbulence kicked in and I was thankful for my brother’s 7.50.

We then had turbulence from JW all the way to Phoenix where we had a stop to make before continuing onto St. Louis. This prevented the crew from serving wonderful beverages that quell motion sickness. About 3/4 of the way there the captain finds out that there is a 30-40 min line to land in Phoenix and the plane does not have enough fuel to wait to land. So we turn around and land in Ontario, pick up some gas, and then head back to Phoenix. Many of the passengers were wondering if someone could order pizza and Natty Ice for the delay. 20 minutes later we are back in the air with clearance to land, and no pizza or Natty Ice, nor are they able to serve us on board beverages because the turbulence was still in effect. We get to phoenix and by this point people have been displaced and a crack team of overworked and underpaid individuals are trying to figure out how to get everyone where they want to go and not lose money in the process … on the Monday before Turkey Day. If they had asked row 22 the two gentlemen there would have mentioned that pizza and Natty Ice would have calmed many problem individuals.

One such individual who was flying to Omaha was to stay on the plane, be put up in a hotel in St. Louis and fly out in the morning. This individual decided to work the system and made an effort to get a flight voucher. He returned empty handed. Not even wine from a box.

Bro: You will notice that he did not even bother to ask for Natty Ice as this establishment is not high enough caliber for their product.

So now it is 9:21 PST, 11:21 CST and we are probably somewhere over a farmland state. My brother will soon have a distant second to his desired Natty Ice, and I will have some water to wash down the Ritz snacks that were served. We are ‘due’ to land in about an hour in what will probably be sub-freezing temperatures. And while I am wearing jeans, socks, shoes, and have a winter coat in the overhead … part of me wishes I was in shorts and sandals … just on principle.

Post Crazy Pre Insanity

Ok … the Cliff Notes

1) Finished Internship
2) Moved in with Parents
3) Have 2 weeks of traveling

Expanded version

Internship: So I finished up my internship at Highlands Church in Paso Robles on Nov 14th. It was lots of fun and while I could go into some detail about what I learned I think I will refrain for a while, I haven’t had a full chance to really look back and see what I learned. However the Staff did send me off right by having a dinner party and I got a couple of gifts from the gang and I was sad that I didn’t get the chance to get to know some of those people better, some due to time constraints, some due to missing each other due to schedules. Either way I’m sure I missed out on some things.

Moved: I now reside in Santa Barbara as my ‘home base.’ My parents moved here a week before I did and we are still waiting for the contractor to install the moat and hot oil defenses. After that we will quest around the land to search for knights wishing to join the cause. And after my quest I shall return home to renew old friendship with those who I have lost touch with in the area. I started that, but with number 3 it makes it hard to set stuff back up. Either way life is still a little crazy and there are still boxes to unpack. However, the house is … functional in the sense that things like meals, TV, sleeping, and bathing can take place for the sake of others who might wander through the front door.

Travel: I leave tomorrow morning for Pasadena, Fly out from Irvine on Monday to Missouri for 8 days, get back on a Tuesday and stay in Pasadena till Wed night or Sat night. The first trip is to help a friend move and spend some time with friends down in Pasadena before they all go crazy with finals. Mental overload pending. Then I am flying out to Missouri for two reasons: The first is Turkey Day, and the second is Family. In a rare alignment of the planets all 26 family members from my mom’s side of the family will be congregated within the same town. Now normally we plan to do this every other summer, with some success. However this is winter and I’ll be packing my cold weather gear and gloves … GLOVES! I’m going to take a picture of myself in snow, shorts, a T-Shirt and sandals on principle. Then I will be going down to see the Methodist church that a few of my cousin’s go to that is about 4k people and just see the fun stuff. Planned highlights … playing music with my cousin who can sing.

Flying back into town comes the random section of the travel. I will be back in Pasadena on Tuesday probably around noon, or so I hope … this is the flight where I have to change planes in 40 min … Oh Joy! Anywho … After an overnighter I’ll be having B’fast w/ the Burbank Pastor crew and then meeting with my directed reading Advisor at 1pm. Then things get interesting. One of my friends is playing the Seminary Coffee shop on Friday night, and then another one of my friends is hosting a cookie decorating party (in her studio) for whoever shows up. Stay longer … maybe; Go home … do I still have clean clothes? Either way I’ll be back in Pasadena in time for the Christmas season to shop and need to do some purchasing.

I’ll have my camera and I’ll try to take pictures, but I’m sure the cousins will as well. I might try to get some fun video too. Of course … then I have to figure out how to post it.

Strengths and Weaknesses

So we were sitting around staff meeting a few weeks ago … probably close to a month and we were discussing the scripture that was going to be used for Sunday service. I can’t remember the context exactly. I remember we were in a series on faith and getting to the last couple before the sermon series would switch. One of the things that came up was a comment that in examining our self realized strengths we sometimes loose sight of the other things that God might want to teach us and prefer to fall back on our strengths, which become a crutch rather than a powerful movement.

This has been stewing in the back of my head for a while and I have been trying to decide if I am leaning on my own history and unwilling to learn new skills through internships that have much I can learn from. I think I might have become something that I was afraid of when I went into seminary. I have become more academic that practical in my mindset.

There I said it … I’m not happy about it … and a part of me is weeping inside.

This isn’t to say that I don’t know how to be pastoral in any given situation, but the thoughts running through my head end up being some messed up sociology experiment rather than trying to see and meet the needs of the person in front of me. I think I miss doing ministry for the sake of ministry, when there wasn’t the issue of what is the right way to examine a doctrine, but rather to just care for people (or in my past life JH/HS students). Where the message of the gospel was not spoken in words but in actions. I think more than anything I would just like to remember the basics of ministry and throw most of my seminary education out the window.

I think I need to examine some of the baggage I’m carrying around … trying to prove that I am strong enough for ministry … and instead surrender. Or maybe I'm just thinking too loud over here ... God only knows.

Toys and Tools

Toys: Something that is more fun than practical in use.

Now granted this toy has practical uses, and Becca always did say that I looked happier with a bass in my hand than a guitar, and I agree.


Tools: Practical use for a situation, job, or ministry

My internship pastor gave me this as a thanks for my work. Needs some cleaning but is freaking sweet.

The top marking is residue of some old label on it ...


So now I have a very nice sounding 4 string bass and a portable communion set. Sometimes I like the small things in life.

Nobody Loves me Like You

Reasons for doing this below …

RULES:
1. Put Your iTunes, Windows Media Player, MP3 Player, etc. on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Put any comments in brackets/w.e after the song name.
5. HAVE FUN.

How would you describe yourself?
Fad of the Land (Newsboys - I hope this isn’t a sign of things to come. Times I have actually played this song according to iTunes: 0)

What do you like in a guy/girl?
Warrior (Caedmon’s Call)

How do you feel today?
You are on our Side (Bethany Dillon - More like where I want to get … more on that later)

Your life’s purpose?
Nothing but the Blood (Charlie Hall - Passion: How great is our God)

What is your motto?
It is Well With My Soul (Jennifer Knapp + Audio Adrenaline)

What do your friends think about you?
Wake Up (Leeland - point iTunes)

What do you think of your parents?
Pantala Naga Pampa (Dave Matthews Band)

What is 2 + 2?
The Marionette (Phil Keggy - I think he is playing in 4/4 though …)

What do you think of your best friends?
Inspiration (Sanctus Real)

What do you think of the person you like?
The Servant Song (Richard Gillard - I think this could turn into a blog unto itself, ironic. Sarah laugh with me … 5 points itunes)

What is your life story?
Free (Shaun McDonald - Yea … I paused here and actually listened to it: point to iTunes)

What do you want to be when you grow up?
For the Lord is Good (All Together Separate)

What do you think when you see the person you like?
You Are Holy (Michael W. Smith)

What will they play at your funeral?
Believe (Newsboys)

What is your hobby/interest?
God Only Knows (Joy Williams)

What is your biggest fear?
Candle (All Together Separate - Song about missions work)

What is your biggest secret?
Fuel (Metallica - Song about engines … hrum …)

What do you think of your friends?
Have you Ever? (Shaun McDonald)

What song best describes you?
Nick & Norah’s Theme (Mark Mothersbaugh)

What song best describes your crush?
Get Down (Audio Adreniline)

What will you post this as?
Nobody Loves me Like You (Jars of Clay)

This was done in a distraction to the following
Ords: 4, Minstrel: 0
See Question 3 ...

Honored

So … I’m doing music for my friend’s, Chuck and Sarah, wedding, which is both exciting and kinda scary. On one hand I have had the joy of watching the two of them walk into their relationship, which has really been something beautiful to watch (and call Sarah out on it). Seeing the final step as the walk into the rest of their lives will feel like bookends.

On the scary side I have never done anything this big in terms of music and while I don’t feel any pressure now (cause I only have one song they want so far), I’m sure that I will feel much more pressured as the time gets close and as I work out how to get the musical instruments from wherever I am to Minnesota, where I’m playing, what music I need to bring, and the pile of last minute details that go into ANY event.

At the end of this whole thing I know that God will be glorified, and that stuff will work out, and that some of the mistakes will be some of the things that will be treasured and remembered for the rest of their lives.

On the plus side … I think I will have the best ‘seat’ in the house … since the wedding party will have to be standing the whole time. At least I think I will have a seat ...

Why I Could Never Play Intramural Football at Fuller

The other part of this is why I could never make Becca’s Birthday parties. Simply put, every third weekend in October I travel up or down to Pismo Beach to play football on the beach and remind myself that I’m getting older for the next two days as I recover from muscle soreness. This is an annual tradition that brings together the whole of the Fraternity that I was a part of at UCSB. There are active teams and alumni teams (commonly referred to as the ‘old-man division’ … our trophy has a walking stick attached to the Hiesman stiff arm hand.) Now before you go … ‘What … Alan in a Fraternity?!?’ it was a Christian Fraternity … that still upholds those ideals. Most of the time is spent asking about lives and what God is doing in them. Most of the alumni are dealing with kids, getting married, dealing with life, going to Masters schooling, and so on. But out of all of the guys that go through that fraternity 90% of them continue to serve and be involved in church on some level.

Either way 8 Alumni played with about another 3 to show support and just catch up on life came. And we wrecked shop…

4 games and we went 4-0 allowing only 2 touchdowns on us through the whole set of games, one by freak and fluke accident. Otherwise we scored an average of 20+ points and had about 4-5 interceptions a game. It was kinda evil. I think most of the time we had more interceptions than the other team had punts. I think the game finals were 33-6, 26-0, 19-0, 29-6. The last two were after we changed the time from 25 minutes to 20 per half … another side effect of ‘getting older.’ Basically Pismo football is like Intramural football except we are on sand, and everything is pretty much full contact. The full contact and injury issue is off set by the fact that sand makes you slower.

Running Power I formation has never been so fun :)

After what has been dubbed the ‘domination’ of Pismo we retired to the world of Roundtable for pizza and Presbyterian Beverages. It was a good time and such a fun fun time. And now we recover …

So True

From xkcd

I'm not sure if I should laugh at myself, or hang my head in shame.

Saints and Sinners

Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future

- Warren Buffet, CEO Berkshire Hathaway
(Said regarding pointing blame in middle of the worst of the economic downfall)

I remember being in high school and not quite being a Christian in the sense of I had made my own choice for Christ. At camps we would always hear about those people who had been at the bottom of the spiral and reached up to accept Christ and the sudden and somewhat dramatic shift in life. And I couldn’t identify fully with these stories. The idea of heading in the direction of ‘downward’ just to experience God’s sudden and dramatic grace didn’t seem like a good idea either. I had this strange idea that I ‘needed’ to have an emotional and somewhat spiritual engagement with God in order to be saved, even if I knew I was ‘basically’ a Christian.

Strangely enough that was about 10 years ago and I don’t think I knew the ride I would have since then. For some reason Buffet’s quote above stuck with me as I have kinda been watching the economic stuff in the background of my life. In a sense I realize that I’m not quite a saint, but I still have a past; and that I am a sinner who stands on the brink of a very unknown future. Not just in the sense of where I will get a job, but will there be a denomination that will still exist for me to go into. My adviser for all things Presbyterian told me ‘Think about the Presbytery that you get ordained into, as it could have some long range implications.’

This saddened me.

Mixed into this whole mess is a confrontation with the quote ‘Hate the sin, love the sinner.’ This is something that I used in the back of my head for a decent period of my seminary career. I was confronted with an idea (by a fuller prof) that our sin makes us who we are and to try to separate the two is not only impossible, but also insulting to the person. I realize more that my sins have long shaped the person that I have become and the person who I continue to become. This person has laid up many sacrifices of what I have wanted to say for the sake of love. They have never been easy points to reach in life, but they remain places where I seem to learn more about myself and become more and more able to accept the fact that I am not the judge, but God is.

One of the things I’m learning here in my internship is that God is using the very foolish here to confuse the wise. The unbelieving are coming forward to be baptized. The sinners are placed in charge and the church grows. The ideas that are crazy, above and beyond normal sanity, are the ideas that bring people to follow God and to enter into community. What saddens me is that most of the issues of the Presbyterian Church are on the order of detailed theology, which almost makes me angry. Not in the sense that the issues don’t need discussion, but that we have forgotten the whole mission of the church for the sake of one detail.

Do we spend too much time trying to be saints and burying our sins when we need to embrace both? In trying to become saints ... do we become the worst sinners?

6am

So … I figured it out finally.

Now most of the people who read this blog on a regular basis know about my internal 6am alarm clock. I wake up then if I want to or not and then have the option of going back to sleep. It is to the point where I don’t need an alarm clock to wake up. Even worse is the fact that my body will normally wake up before that in a state of semi-awake which leads to some interesting ends to dreams.

Now depending on when I went to bed I will either get up or roll over and go back to sleep. Most of the time I do the former however there are occasions that I will my body back into a state of slumber. Much of this last week has been that way, I have figured out going back to bed is not the healthy response to me waking up.

My normal mode of operation is that of a patient and slow moving turtle (although I have a jet pack for emergencies). Waking up at 6am gives me time to start my day without a rush of things to do, without a need to feel like I’m behind, and simmer into consciousness rather than being flung off the deep end. Basically I am a happy camper rather than a grumpy camper. I tend to think ‘clearer’ and have time to do all the things I like to do in the morning (like read my comics and play a few games) and not have to leave them till later, when they become distractions rather than fun.

I also have a time to center life around peace and calm rather than panic and insanity that then leads into the rest of the day. Yea I’m a morning person, but I’m finding more and more that is helps me to be who I am without the need take time out of the day to catch up, but rather I have time to rest when there is space between one thing and another. Being ‘Terminally Early’ isn’t a bad thing, it gives time for life to catch up to you, to close your eyes and allow God to become the renewed center of the day.



The Sabbath is limited to a single day, but rather a place of rest. What if we took 2 hrs out of the day to just focus on God (24hrs - 8hrs sleep =16 … 1 hr per 7 hrs = 2 hrs total). Not in study, but in reflection, prayer, company, and joy; all the things that we ‘enjoy’ in life. To take the scenic route, and enjoy the ride.

So what’s going on in Paso?

I’m glad you asked :)

So aside from my ‘cut short’ last post, life is actually really good. I have my first ‘what I’m really going to be doing during my internship’ meeting on Tuesday (10/7) where I will be sitting down with a group of Pentecostals who have found themselves in a Presbyterian Church … suckers. But seriously I will be in charge of empowering these people to do the ministry of compassion and reconciliation. How I’m supposed to do that … I’m not entirely sure, but me and my other half are going to get on our knees, pray and see what happens. The church itself is in a huge transition as it is moving from rented apartments and will be moving into its permanent offices near the end of this month. I got here just in time to see one of the large scale events take place.

Clicking ->here<- will pull up two videos, one is a mock staff meeting that is funny on a couple of levels, I don’t think you even have to know the staff to get some of the jokes. The second is actually footage from the event and it was lots of fun (but really cold).

This month will prove to be just as busy as we have two events. The first is a concert that the church’s praise band will be putting on to have tickets help pay for the building fund. Should be lots of fun and the praise band is pretty talented in terms of creativity and musicians, but they will probably do mostly cover songs. I don’t think the worship director has had time to write some of his own stuff yet. He is a busy guy.

The second requires some set up. The pastor here is a true blood Scotsman: plays bagpipes, owns a kilt, has a good accent when he summons it up … whole nine yards… yes on Guinness. So they have an annual Kirkin of the Tartan. Which is basically a bagpiper band in service with kilts. I might have pictures soon enough, as disturbing as that might be to some people who read this … I’m sorry, I’ll give you fair warning.

Playing in someone else’s playground

So one of the things that I tried to communicate to my last internship, with I would say about 80% success, is that I was an INTERN. My job was not to implant myself within the church and to take on huge projects that would then get left by the wayside when I left. The more I start to get into my new internship the more important I realize this issue is.

So in essence I currently have 3 months to prepare the church’s deacons for ministry, build them up so they can function, and then instill in them a sense of ownership so that they fall to pieces when I leave. Wait check that … 2 months, I’ve already been here 2 weeks.

Either way it will be a fun, if not insane, ride in Paso.

In other news God is teaching me about obedience and listening to him. Most of my mental flow got sideswiped by this. He is teaching with the Big Hammer. More to come later ... maybe ...